Stephen Colbert to tour Canada, bathe in maple syrup


If Stephen Colbert took a canoe down Yonge Street would you let him change lanes? (Comedy Network image)

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Earlier this year, stood up for Windsor when American comedian Stephen Colbert spanked that Ontario city when he called it the Earth’s rectum. Apparently, it took time for the rebuttal to make it to New York, where Colbert hosts his talk show on Comedy Network. Today, received a reply from Colbert who not only issued an apology to Windsor, but vowed to visit that city and others during what he promises to be a “Summer of Good Lovin’ Canada (or So I Will Make Them Think).”

Among Colbert’s planned highlights of his 10-day tour in Ontario are:

  • Seeing how maple syrup works as a soap
  • Canoeing down Toronto’s Yonge Street
  • Storming Parliament Hill in Ottawa with a well-armed militia of poutine throwers
  • Overcoming his fear of bears by living among a family of black bears in Algonquin Park for three days
  • And, finally, standing in front of Casino Windsor and allowing lucky passersby to paddle him incessantly for 24 hours as punishment for his cruelty to the city. “My producers thought of turning me into a human slot machine, but I turn 49 in a month and really who are we fooling? There isn’t anything on me that someone could yank.”

In his letter, Colbert writes:

“I’m ready to take a fresh look at Canada and seeing how the world just shunned your candidate for pope, I believe you need some condolence and the kind of pick-me-up that can only come from the ego stroking we Americans give you every two decades or so. It’s been 20 years since we last let you win a World Series, so I’d say we’re about due for a little neighborly goodwill gesture. This summer I declare will be the Summer of Good Lovin’ Canada (or So I Will Make Them Think). I’m calling on my fellow Americans to join me in ransacking … er, congenially visiting, our igloo-dwelling, aboot-pronouncing, monarchy-enslaved acquaintances to the north. (Note to Americans: Leave your guns behind … or take them apart and shove the barrel up your rectums when you cross the border. Their guards will never suspect. If you’re asked why you’re squirming, just say you’ve got a craving for Tim Horton’s and they’ll speed you through.)”

Colbert says he plans for his trip to begin after the Stanley Cup playoffs, because Canadians will need cheering up since he’s sure the NHL championship will be won once more by an American team, as it has been since 1994.

Earlier this year, Managing Editor Adrian Brijbassi told Colbert: “You sank to a new bottom when you called the fine city of Windsor, Canada the ‘Earth’s rectum.’” After received the letter from Colbert, Brijbassi said: “Colbert might seem like he is warming to Canada, but it’s April and no one should be fooled by his plans for this summer tour that sounds too gracious to be true.”

Vicky is the worldly publisher of Having graduated from McGill University in Montreal, she has set about building a talented team of travel experts to deliver to you words and images of the very best places to see and experience in Canada. Based in Yorkville in Toronto, Vicky regularly jet sets around Canada — be sure to catch up with her when she's in your part of the country.

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